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| Sunday, November 8th, 2009 | | 8:59 pm |
faith (Heaven's smirking joke)
"orange." I said vacantly. "Colin?" The Orange answered distantly. "Remind me again where the hell i was going?" I blinked at the infinite sky. "Somewhere. That wasn't where you were before." "This can't be the swamp anymore, can it?" I closed my eyes for a moment. "Nope. Got to deep in the marsh to walk, you swam quite a while." The Orange shrugged. "So I'm in the Great below again." I gritted my teeth. "Nope. The ocean water you're floating in isn't frigid oblivion. Take a look around." The Orange nudged my face from the sky. "So... I guess it stands to reason a marsh would flow into the ocean eventually. The water's kind of a perfect blue, actually." I peered up into the sky again to see a dim sunrise on the horizon. "Is this where i swim just a bit more and find an Island?" I rolled my eyes. "Not really. You swam until you passed out when you got out of the swamp. You've been adrift for a while. Not even i really know if there would be land around here. probably not. At least now it's not a frozen tundra filled with depressing metaphors, or the shore of a river infested with metallic parasites." I peered around the waves. "That's a good thing." "You wanted the truth, and you fell like Icarus into the loony bin. It's been years since then." The Orange said as it floated itself on one of the waves. "The difference between what you're strong at and what you are simply proud at can be a bastard, eh Orange?" I chuckled a bit. "Pretty much. How happy would you be if all that silly fantasy you dreamed up when you were nuts had actually been true?" The Orange nodded. "Not very. The ego wants silly things, and a deranged mind wants the downright absurd." I stared up into the sky more. "So, here we are. No more depressing metaphors, frozen tundra, biomechanoid reflections, or even the Great Below." The Orange peered at the horizon. "How did that VNV song go? They'll never say they what you see, they'll never say they feel what you feel?" "Something like that. I can't even remember the me that remembered liking them." "This is where you came from. It's a philosophical truth in some ways, to find where you came from, but this is pretty much it." The Orange said with a bit of sadness. "Right. Like when i gave that bit of Wicke's ashes to the creek, from water we came, to water we go..." I blinked a few tears. "This place gives me, me. Just... no experience yet." "Even Shamanism says that the brutal nature of life, the simple cruelty of nature itself, makes life should not be." The Orange said as it floated itself on another wave. "i'm not even going to say the W word." I gritted my teeth as i wept a bit more. "I think the guy is moron too, but-" Oh, right. "Why?" The Orange looked down, expressionless. "Sorry, i don't think anyone gets a decent answer to that one." "Even surviving hell itself, if one ever even got close to the realm of lament would just be another superfluous drop in this ocean, i guess." I started to float again. I blinked as the clouds briefly formed the words "Be thyself, as thou remembers.". I blinked again, and the clouds were simply clouds. "Careful there, boy you don't want your eyes tricking you to seeing things in those clouds." The Orange grinned for a moment. "Sound advice, i guess." i said as i tried to float myself on another wave like the Orange. "so, these talks with me have been a good thing?" The Orange perked itself at my eyes. "lost as I get here, an Orange is always nice." I smiled. "that term, a good thing is pretty limited isn't it?" "Try to focus on what you feel is good. In the end, maybe the Great Below and a kiss on the forehead from a beautiful woman are just two shades of reality, but forgetting the difference can make for a pretty damaged mind." The Orange answered. I nodded, and let myself float... Current Music: Jimmy eat world - Just watch the fireworks | | Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 | | 10:58 am |
| | Monday, September 21st, 2009 | | 12:20 am |
today, i put Wicke to rest. I got to hold some of his ashes in my hand and give them to the creek. it felt amazing, just seeing the water we all return to. a sharp blow in the soloplexus to see what in life there is. sleepy now, perhaps dreams will reach me that don't involve me seeing him dying over and over as was the case with his best friend Nick when he died. Current Music: Brian Eno - an ending (ascent) | | Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 | | 5:00 pm |
| | Friday, September 11th, 2009 | | 9:36 am |
Meditation log. I've spent roughly a week or two doing the "anti-anxiety" exercise, daily as taught to me by professor Marshal. Besides being a good Jiu Jitsu teacher, he has a severe anxiety disorder that he's conquered sans medication, and one day I'd love to be free of Xanax so i decided to give it a whirl. One simply lies on their back, and sharply tenses, and then relaxes their individual muscle groups starting with the feet and ending with the face, tensing with a breath in and relaxing on exhale. after this, draw deep breaths exclusively from the belly, and picture things throughout the day you need to do that you'd like to turn out well. The results have stirred up some intense feelings, sharpened mind and relaxation are apparent, with a newfound drive to take care of self, belongings, and sometimes even others. the "downside" is that bits of anger, shame, and frustration come boiling up, sometimes overwhelming. Noting no increase in psychotic symptoms beyond normal, however. | | Friday, September 4th, 2009 | | 8:22 pm |
Arose, by another name...
Things I learned from Wicke: Optimism is a good ism, if not hard-won. Listening to music that motivates you and makes you happy can be helpful. If you've got a good family, love, cherish and defend them. Guilt is a bastard of an emotion to deal with, but must be faced nonetheless. Videogames are a great release. MDMA (Ecstasy) has great spiritual value, and fun factor that is an interesting contrast to LSD. One day, i need to go sky-diving. ...and more things. I hope you're doing well chilling in Nirvana with Cpt. Facade, my friend. Just wish i could've caught up with you sooner. | | Sunday, August 23rd, 2009 | | 12:08 am |
Distortion
and, when the light behind my eyelids grew so bright I knew i could not leave or escape it, it simply rendered pain. I twisted in the wind of some karmic joke too cruel to be ignored, i wept helplessly against the voices, sobbing "i can't hear you, so you aren't there"... I couldn't even muster enough breath to howl from the hellish pain in my body, only moan, cry like a newborn child. There was no hope for me, whether i chose this fate or not was inconsequential. Then, a split second passed inside the eternity, and without a thought began to "Om", and fell into sleep. ...being sick this weekend was interesting. :P | | Tuesday, August 18th, 2009 | | 8:51 pm |
dream journal. Last night dreampt of walking upon a giant, beautiful field. A beautiful horse walked about, it was the roots of the only tree in the field, a desolated aspen tree. There was, of course somewhere in the middle of the field an old woman, obese, worn, virile. She stared at me with blank eyes as i recognized her as a Gaia, a literal manifestation of mother earth within this dream. I tried to revere her, and she she simply stared, and as i tried again to show my respect, love, and reverence, she barely sniffed with contempt i felt crushing me literally into the ground. I yelled at her, chastised her, and finally cried and raged at her for her contempt, and her face didn't stir, except a look in her eyes that to her i was simply an intruder in this world, or perhaps simply as "extraneous" to her as one of the blades of grass in the field, simple flesh and matter. nothing else. I cursed her, and walked away from the field, hearing a derisive "sniff" from some sort of guardian there in the field, the form of another withered old woman, who simply had to look at me to sort of push me out of the field. I found myself in a thickly-wooded campsite sitting with an old friend, and I was bitterly weeping screaming homophobic/misogynist epithets at the mother thing, my heart breaking that not only was I extraneous to nature, but a feeling from the field that she felt I was a dead part of the life-cycle, a bad branch that needed to fall from the tree and die. I heard the literal sounds of comforting voices, like those of my mum or my old friend Beau telling me that it wasn't really personal the mother spirit was at best aggravated and disaffected I'd made this deep dream journey to find her and witness the spirit of the horse. I felt her, that even the noble and beautiful horse spirit i saw was simply... something fleeting, not really a wonder to behold, simply a form. I raged at the gaia for a while longer, then I left that dream and had more. I guess maybe that's perhaps the loss of innocence with viewing nature. If there is one. Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: Coco Rosie - Terrible Angels | | Sunday, August 16th, 2009 | | 12:47 am |
(taken from "school is hell" by Matt Groening) "School's out! schools out! teachers let the monkeys out! one went east! one went west! one went up the teachers dress!" -Traditional Grade school chant "School's out School's out! teachers let the monkeys out! one was jailed, one prevailed! both asked god: how have i failed?" Traditional Grad school chant | | Wednesday, August 5th, 2009 | | 12:27 am |
professionalism notes. When you are working as a cashier in a retail outlet, it is best not to escalate a conversation with a guest who has become rather condescending in mannerism. In these situations, the cashier's best option is to ask for the help of their supervisor, and help the guest have the most satisfactory shopping experience they can. ...it probably is best also to not call the guest a "Cunt" rather loudly as she is leaving in a huff, in front of at least a dozen co-workers and shoppers, and of course in front of a supervisor. sarcasm aside, I really fucked up tonight at work. Dear god, I could've even called her a bitch and that would've been better. Getting canned is very much a possibility. It is pretty much with upper management now. I've got the next couple days off, could be a much longer stress of umm. well, not working at Target. I kinda wish I could've played some Shadowrun tonight at Lionel's instead. :D Current Music: Social Distortion - When the Angels sing, Bad Luck | | Wednesday, July 29th, 2009 | | 4:08 pm |
"You do not choose what you believe in, what you believe in chooses you." - Minority Report
A long time ago, a spiritual teacher, most of whose teachings (she was into chanelling and other rather esoteric things) i sort of disowned after going insane, told me around the age of 17-ish that one of the most important things to becoming a man would be to admit to not-knowing. Wish I'd kept that in mind more over these years, I'd feel less inept right now. experimented with painting some carved wood blocks as opposed to rocks today, they're slower drying, whereas most rocks suck up the paint so you can really finish one in a half hour session, whereas I'm just waiting for a couple wood blocks to dry now. still stewing some Jungian thought around in head, especially one where he speaks of a dream where he vanquishes a monolithic metal creature, to the aid of a small, dark pygmy man. Jung woke from the dream, and realized he had to let his German heritage, what he said he felt was the will to dominate, go from his consciousness. He nearly turned the gun he kept by his nightstand on himself in the reality of this realization. He later wrote that to him, the dark pygmy represented the "shadow" archetype, the involuntary parts of our personality that we try to keep hidden but are usually in plain sight for all to see. That dark Pygmy guy gets around, sometime last year i slept and dreampt i boarded this giant alien-looking space station, that was filled with windows into primitive landscapes, among other things i can't remember now. I was greeted by a Dark-skinned Pygmy or two, and they simply said although i was inherently a demonic creature, I showed a genuine desire to better myself, so they could allow me to explore around. In the realm of what i can touch and see, this new Laptop is wonderful, I've missed having a somewhat functional computer. :) Also, I got to play some Shadowrun for the first time in a long time at Lionel's last night. Considering I'm pretty used to White Wolf rules, it went okay although most in the group were tired. Juggling school and work is going to be odd. For the first time in a long time, though I'm looking forward to both. Current Music: Orange Tusnelda - Stay Asleep, Levitation - Out of time | | Saturday, July 18th, 2009 | | 5:25 pm |
Orange monologue number... something. now with more brooding and obsessive-compulsive behaviours.
Note to self, and only the self.: You are still angry as hell, jealous, obsessive, over-reactive, and emotionally and physically insecure. You've got alot of work to do before any of those qualities change. You ARE that person that no one wants to be around because you've got nothing going on, really. Those you feel persecuted by find it funny just to hit your buttons, because you've forgotten yourself and just become the sum of those surface buttons. You find yourself perpetually surrounded by the gifted being the only one not so only because you haven't made an effort to really try anything except what your ego wants. It's painful and lonely here, and it will be a humiliating first few steps like it has been again, but it won't be as painful as sitting here bitterly agonizing over what you or others could've done better for another 26 years, and another 26 after that. Mommy, daddy, those who hear you all too well, and of course that law of attraction thing made popular by oprah you figured out years ago will get you what you need to find your way and what you need to do. You need to help others, and help others help you. You know that's what you need to do. You can't get laid because you're afraid. God might indeed be a woman for you, it's time to get out of your teens hanging out with Tyler Durden in some desolate house hitting things, hating your dad, hating women, and hating a world you can't really change. That Giant clit in southpark summed it up: "Chicks dig confidence, be yourself." or, much more poetically, seeing a grown man who made it to be a FUCKING NAVY SEAL and smoked all his guts away with meth anyhow, necessitating a colostomy bag cry in front of a class of potential CNA's because he thought he'd never find a woman who'd go near him with that thing on the side of his stomach, and how grateful he was for your fellow CNA student finding him, a girl you passed off as ugly an extraneous because she was physically debilitated a bit herself and needed pills because of her rather unhealthy (physical) heart. Right, we didn't cover Shallow at that beginning list too. Yeah, come on and bomb yourself another vicodin or percocet, you're okay, you've got it under control... right. You cook your brain with that crap when you could read at a highschool level in the 4th Grade? ugh. Where were we? right. you were going to stop this shit, go paint another rock, and keep reading, playing videogames, and... oh, right are we too manly now to write any love poetry either? and hell, keep painting those pet rocks. damn Boulder hippie. :) ...Beats the hell out of talking to an Orange today for some reason. the end. Current Mood:  see music.Current Music: Assemblage 23 - Damaged, Complacent. | | Tuesday, July 14th, 2009 | | 5:40 pm |
and, low and behold, Hot Topic is still owned by A+F.
existential angst (or aging, who knows?) notes. Yesterday in the employee lounge i got to watch five minutes some MTV thing on the influence of the venerable Punk Rock band, Green Day. Back in my day, GD was accused often as being poseur punk. Pish, i said! Either way, in the interview Billie Joe had teased, dyed black emo hair complete with eye liner. *twitch* The quote i loved was "Great bands of today... like Hawthorne Heights, My Chemical Romance... were definitely listening to alot of Green Day." ... *angst* I know, Green Day even did a great Political album, at this point the older punk bands who used to do things like that have been probably long taken care of by well, old-school Punk Rock living, but i don't think Hawthorne Heights will be doing anything that Hot Topic tells them not to anyhow. Fuck it, I guess the contemporary emo kid's alternative on MTV is 50 cents new song, "I got shot, part 9". oi. ...On that note, don't forget to hit up Target this summer for the "Summer of love" sale, where you may purchase recreations of hippie clothes from the woodstock era. It's the newest thing, the sorority girls love it. Y'know, paying 20 bucks for a shirt back in it's day was supposed to be free or a few bucks to rebel from places like Target. A little bit of an obvious thing here, but I swear to god some days that store and the TV in the Lounge give me a headache. >. Current Mood:  headache.Current Music: Pink Floyd - Wish you were here | | Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 | | 6:50 pm |
notes. I continue to read the Essential Jung book, some of it goes waaaaaay over my head, some of it does actually sink in and it's the sweetest mind candy ever. A man who can wake up from a dream, feel so overwhelmed by it nearly grab the loaded gun under his night stand, but somehow formalize it into... some sort of amazing thought process is of interest to me to keep on reading. Work blew it with a snowball afterwords yesterday, I'm apparently not performing up to par as a cart attendant. Working outside with a bit of physicality is nice, but perhaps my over-medicated, and now somewhat aging body isn't up for it anymore. I'm familiar of the beginning of that office space movie, where Jennifer Aniston is hassled by her boss of several years about not having enough "Flair" pieces on her uniform, but some days... yeah. 9 times out of 10 the management is square with me there at Le' Boutique Targe, but low-level retail I've found, is not for the timid. :P Trying to get the school thing rolling this Thursday, psychology is alot like Philosophy for me in the fact that even when the recession is at it's worst, it'll still tickle my brain with thoughts. Even if I'll be living on Mars working in the Microsoft overmines waiting for the release of Halo 6. (Sorry, couldn't resist the Yahtzee reference there). New teeth are good, just more adjustment. at this point, with the silicone soft-liner in the lower row, it's no longer feeling like driving glass into my gums when i chew, so I expect I'll lighten up now in the next while. :) Good session with Psychiatrist today, was reminded soberingly about what was, and how it could always be worse. A regular patron of the offices is a resident of the Chinook clubhouse, Steven Stroh. I've gone all emo about him before, but was glad to hear he's doing okay just working with a job coach. Otherwise, i had a brief talk with a new Patron of my Psychiatrist and the Windhorse folks, who I'll just leave wasn't in good shape. Part of this is a feeling of starting over again, as I've been reminded alot recently what triggered alot of my neurosis, how parts of my past were compounded by it, and a recurring feeling of frustration that although being insane stopped the world for me personally the world didn't wait and go "oh, wait he's okay now we'll just start where we left off when was 17..." ...yeah. oh, well. At least now i know better than to huff spray-on starter fluid off a sock to get high. :P Current Mood:  busyCurrent Music: Claire Voyant - Love the giver (low mix) | | Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 | | 8:09 pm |
Academic notes. I put in an app to Front Range Community College for the Fall '09 semester, In the direction of starting on a psych major. From doing simple cart detail at Target, I do not see my body long-withstanding the rigors of full-time CNA work. (and those who do it, their bodies don't really hold out either). The CNA thing is not another certificate down the drain for me, it was something that was absolutely necessary spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Found my limits in alot of ways, and pushed into a new, more competent and better all around me. The work of pushing carts around and cleaning stuff, much less providing critical basic care to the ill, has me at my physical/mental limits. I've got an opportunity here to really apply my mind, which has been sort of been left to run pretty wildly around while i scrub bathrooms, rush to bring carts inside the store, cashier, and the other basic things I do there. I'm lucky to have gotten ahold of my inborn addictive personality (God, Genetics, who cares?), in all it's forms from athletic over-training to abuse of medical painkillers, and even more so lucky to have survived such. They're cutting hours at Target right now, as apparently the company is a bit short on money to fill the payroll but hopefully i can settle down on some part-time work there in a few months while i go to school. should be interesting. Current Music: Harold Budd/Brian Eno - First Light | | Wednesday, June 17th, 2009 | | 9:19 pm |
| | Monday, June 15th, 2009 | | 2:10 pm |
take a tip from the kip.
work notes. Just about collapsed at work yesterday, had to leave early and call in today. I guess about the time you find yourself having to seriously re-focus a few times when you start to aimlessly wander your place of employment in no direction mumbling "I don't belong here", maybe you should consider you physical and mental health. drug notes. Dramatic increase in quality of life since switching from Adderall XR to Vyvanse in the last few weeks. Adderall is basically a good pill for what it did for me (ADhD+heavily sedating other meds in head), but it jags you up pretty high (Read: cranked out of your mind) for part of the day. Vyvanse, does not. Figuring out now though, how many of my strange social habits and mannerisms in the last at least few years have been the result of amphetamine euphoria. oops. Training notes. I'm definitely back on the horse now, older and wiser. It's strange as you get older you find what you are eventually best suited to. I've been doing the whole MA thing on and off my whole life, and though I'm not really a fighter and the process of learning how not to be a victim has taken a while for me, looks like this is what I can best offer the world eventually. Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: Fripp/Eno - Lupus | | Thursday, June 11th, 2009 | | 6:44 pm |
rant, rant.
Food good. Jung as well. Contemplating part of the condition of mental illness he writes about, specifically the apathy. The irony to me is that the edification of my laziness due to crossed wires in my head (seriously, I think most normal, or even slightly off kids can get through 1st grade without having to have their teacher "resign"), just sitting in a comfy chair, frying on some percocet and Xanax, staring at the lightning and thunder outside fresh from needing to be picked up from Jiu Jitsu due to a weepy panic attack... is something my mind somehow links to being happy? almost. ugh. Otherwise, yesterday's training was quite fun, Olympian Judo Sensei Brian Olson has set up shop for the time being at the mat, and it was fun to do some Judo as opposed to Gracie style for a change, to say the least as Gracie Jiu Jitsu is heavily rooted in the teachings of Judo. Tomorrow, there will be work. Cart detail isn't getting any funner, but it beats feeling like a trapped animal behind a register, so the day is indeed faster. Wooo, Pizza and some DBZ on DVD. Yep, I've got it made today. :) | | Monday, June 8th, 2009 | | 12:38 pm |
because 3-second facebook posts don't cut it for complete blogging.
Life and work continue. I've logged in about 48 hours of work this week. Oddly, I don't feel like going postal, i will accredit new meditation routine and getting back to Jiu Jitsu for this. In the vein of Jiu Jitsu, there will be more challenge indeed as i had a panic attack of which i couldn't just say "ummm, lemme sit outside for a minute I'll be okay" and get back to training, ended with me laughing madly and then sobbing and sobbing while a kind lady patted my back while my folks had to come pick me up. I stared into the sky, as it turned into waves of violet. I could stay there forever sometimes... on the upside, it's the first time I've simply cried from some sort of emotional place, rather than the last time which was out of demented rage. As always, they are supportive there but this does give me an uphill march on the path for now. Patience for it's own sake has been a hard lesson to learn for me, as we all know it might not yield fruit at all much less sometimes what we even didn't want... ugh. Artistically, I've been kicking around a good few conversations with the Orange, but not much has come of it. At this point, i either need to sign up for another writing class at FRCC, or just continue reading other books to draw a little more muse out. Well, it's about that time for work. The anarchic hippie at Starbucks says I've got a few more months before i start seeing something really, really, really, wrong with the place and how it works. | | Friday, May 29th, 2009 | | 10:40 pm |
random brain note. Dad gave me a CD before the oral surgery, a basic guided meditation geared towards positive thinking in the results of one's surgery, and other good basic things like finding a central place of relaxation, picturing positive outcome of a few situations, and feeling infused with love and energy, which he spliced with an audio recording of a Tibetan healing bowl playing done for him by our neighbor Cindy. The sounds of the bowls being hit is akin to deep bells. Listened to the CD a good few times the week recovering from my oral surgery. Last night, I took 1mg of Alprazolam (non-generically known as Xanax) to sleep as customary from a stressful day, and listened to the CD to sleep. i realized today of course that being a Benzodiazapine, Alprazolam is a hypnotic as well as a relaxant. Usually when I take an Alprazolam 1mg to sleep, the following day at work, the first bit is quite the sweet peach as the stuff leaves you on a happy, relaxed cloud, but often gives way to headache and irritability later in the day, as to be expected. Today, i was able to carry the nice, relaxed feeling to the end of today, despite the normal stresses of cashiering at Target, which, well, if you walk in there are readily apparent and don't need much documentation here. Interesting what one can accomplish with a bit of old-school meditation and new-school chemistry... sleepytime now. :) |
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